The Self-Discovery Journey

For years, I was a master at polishing a mask. I played the roles I thought the world wanted—the father, the son, the older brother—but it was a "half-assed" expression of a man who felt like an outcast. Inside, there was a hole I tried to fill with rebellion and a "bad boy" persona. When chronic physical pain from pancreatitis led to an opioid dependency, I didn’t realize I was just adding another layer to the mask. That dependency spiraled into a four-year war with methamphetamine—a period of total self-destruction where I was distant, unaware, and fundamentally lost to those who needed me most. Even in the darkest moments of addiction, there was a quiet, persistent need for personal growth and self-discovery to understand why I was destroying myself. I started searching for answers in the Upanishads, the Tao Te Ching, and eventually, the 12 Rules of Jordan Peterson. Peterson taught me the weight of responsibility, but it was Carl Jung who provided the map to my own soul. I learned that my Ego wasn't just "me"—it was the mask I wore to hide my trauma and my Shadow. Through Jung’s teachings and the grace of God, I realized that I had to stop polishing the mask and start integrating the broken pieces through shadow work. I learned that I was never truly alone; I was simply being guided toward my highest SELF.

The moment I lost sight of who I thought I was didn't happen in a boardroom or a classroom; it happened while I was high on "clear"—methamphetamine. In that chemically induced haze, the mask didn't just slip; it shattered. I saw the fraud my life had become, and the realization broke me. The shame was so heavy I couldn’t step outside my front door. My career collapsed, work became impossible, and eventually, my wife and I lost our home. Even after moving in with family, the cycle of self-sabotage continued. I lost the first love of my life and, instead of facing the grief, I retreated into the numbing embrace of meth and alcohol. The final blow—the "stake through the heart"—wasn't a loss of property or a job. It was a phone call from my firstborn. She told me she could no longer have me in her life because of how toxic I had become. That was the moment I stopped falling and hit the floor of the deepest, darkest pit. It was in that pit that I realized I had two choices: stay buried or start digging. For years, I had used substances to run from the pain of my own reflection. But in the silence of that total loss, I stopped running. I decided to stop viewing the pain as an enemy and to start seeing it as a teacher, a crucial step in my journey of personal growth and self-discovery. This is the essence of Growth. It isn't the absence of a struggle; it is the decision to use the struggle as raw material for a new foundation. I realized that my "Ego"—the mask I had worn for so long—had to die so that something authentic could be born through shadow work.

The journey out of the pit—away from victimization and the hollow weight of self-pity—began when my life finally lost its luster. Everything I was doing to survive started to feel empty, signaling the need for personal growth. One night, a voice spoke within me. It was my own voice, but it carried a weight that wasn’t mine. It said: "Hector, look where you’re going. You’re about to lose your humanity. It’s time you choose you, or you." In that moment, I felt a presence I had never known. I decided to leave the underworld of Hawaii behind. I bought a plane ticket and spent three days in a hotel room, suspended between the life I was leaving and the man I was supposed to become, deep in self-discovery. On the final night, something spiritual took hold. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I asked God to help me expel everything that was holding me back, a crucial part of my shadow work. I felt a sudden, violent shift in my gut. As I threw up a bitter, green substance, I felt more than just a physical sickness leaving me—I felt a literal weight lift from my soul. I was finally at peace, ready to stop "doing" and start "being." I was ready to become the Observer and allow a higher power to guide the way.